Rest in Me

"I'm Nora. How 'bout you?" The girl in front of me is probably way more beautiful than billions of stars in the sky or even the sunset glow over a luscious forest and mountain range. Her golden hair lies over her shoulders and falls down her back while eyes as green and light as the sea stare into mine. "Hello~o. Name?"

"Sorry. Clay. My name is Clay."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Clay. Now, could you please get off of me? You're startin' to get heavy." I finally realize exactly what position I was in and push myself up and off of the woman in front of me. After I find myself standing in front of her, I place a hand out to help her up, which she accepts graciously. As she pulls herself up, she starts to smooth out the creases on her white, airy dress. "Thank you."

"Please, do not thank me. I just ran into you, which happens to be why you needed help up. I should be the one apologizing. I am sorry." I crouch down to pick up the things she dropped, but she ends up having to help me with the task because of the sheer amount of items that had fallen from her bag and hands. "Sorry again" A smile escapes her lips before she looks me in the eyes.

"It's fine, really. How about you buy me a drink and then maybe you'll feel like you can stop apologizing to me." We both come up at about the same time as a smile soon forms on my lips as well.

"I like that idea. Let me help you with these." I grab a shopping bag or two before we both head off to one of my favorite restaurants.

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I pull myself out of the bed and walk over to the dresser seated to the side of our room. The mirror over its old decorated wood top is large in size, but the thing that drew me over to it was not the reflection or the décor. The thing that drew me over was the picture taped onto its side. The girl in the picture had those beautiful golden waves that I love and a smile that could melt even the coldest and loneliest of souls; her arms were thrown across my shoulders and her head leaned against mine. I slide my finger against the sleek finish of the picture before heading into the bathroom for a much needed shower.

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I watch her as she walks away from the restaurant with her golden hair swaying behind her. Watching her walk away shot small daggers into my heart and the further she walked, the worse it got. "Hey, Nora!" She spins around as I try to figure out what I wanted to say to her. "Can I have your number?" She smiles before walking back over to me.

"I just can't seem to get rid of you." The smile stays as she places her hand out for my phone, which I dig out of my pocket and place on the waiting hand. I watch her as she types in the number and find myself smiling more than I had ever smiled in my life. When she hands it back, she smiles back at me before backing away slowly. "Remember, you still owe me that drink."

"But I just-"

"That was dinner, my dear sir. You owe me a drink." The statement causes me to laugh before I can ever answer her statement fully.

"Of course, my lady!" She laughs as well before walking off again in the direction of god only knows what. I never move an inch until I watch her turn the corner and leave my sight for good.

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I tie the tie around my neck as best I can before sliding the coat of my tux over my shoulders and situating it to make sure it looks its best. One of my friends, Travis, helps me the best that he can, but he doesn't make it look any better than I did. Neither of us talk as we move soundlessly through the room. His words break the silence that had begun to overwhelm me; it begins to drown me with every second that it lasts. The silence brings back the memories that continue to last even when everything else cannot.

"You ready?" He stands by my door and stares at me with a calm smile showing on his face. The smile had no emotion, but it was better than any of the alternatives.

"Yah." I pick up the keys and wallet from on top of the decorative dresser and walk over to Travis who turns off the lights to the room. I look back at the dark room that held every memory I have locked away in my brain; the room that drowned me in its silence and solitude, while I try to crawl out of its grasp in a futile attempt of escaping, but there is no escape.

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"Oh my god. You can't be serious!" She turns back at me and throws her hands around my neck. Her eyes shine with the candles in the room and the black dress she wears perfectly makes her look even more beautiful. "You never make me food."

"It is a onetime thing. Let's not make a habit of this, please." I try my best to sound as indifferent as I can, but my heart was racing way too fast for my own good. Every word that comes out of her mouth makes it skip and fly.

"Jerk." Her lips meet mine and they never separate until we both remember the food sitting just a couple feet away from us. I walk over and pull out the chair for her before she sits down gracefully and I push it in for her slightly. I sit down as well and we both start to eat as calmly as we can in a situation like this. The conversations come as easily as they normally do and transfer from one to the other in a smooth fashion. I had always wondered what she really thought about me, but in these situations, all of my doubts disappear. I can always tell what she is thinking in these moments and I know that her heart is doing the exact same thing my heart is doing.

"Nora, I love you." She pauses for a second before she looks me directly in the eyes and says the one thing I have always loved hearing from her.

"I love you too." Her smiles breaks any barrier holding me back and I lower myself onto one knee with a simple diamond ring in my hand. Her eyes widen as the hands that were seated on the table fly up to cover her mouth.

"Will you marry me?" She never moves for a little while, but eventually manages to nod before coming over to kiss me. She tosses her hands around me and I kiss her back as hard as I can. The ring fit her perfectly in both size and essence. She refuses to stop crying for the rest of the meal, which I end up stopping to save us both from the temptation of what we actually want to do. I take her to the bedroom and kiss her until she finally stops crying and returns the same kiss to me. I let me hands fall to lower levels as our bodies meet the covering of the bed.

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I greet a few of the other people in the house the best I can before heading over to the kitchen and pouring myself a cup of the already made coffee. As I take a sip of the lukewarm liquid, I stare down at the gold band on my finger. I spin it around with my thumb and continue to stare at it until a woman breaks my reverie.

"Riley has not come in yet." The words start to kill me a little more, which she seems to notice because she places a hand on my cheek before sliding them around my shoulders. As I hug her back, I continue to look at the ring on my finger. The trance is never broken until the woman, my sister-in-law, moves away from me and back to the crowd. I whisper a "thank you" to myself more than anyone else and walk through the house towards a different room.

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As I walk into the house we bought with the last of our money after the wedding, I notice Nora at the table in our nearly unpacked kitchen. The bills sit unopened all over it as she stares down at them in the way she always does when she is worried. I place a small kiss onto her cheek before sitting down across from her at the table. She never looks at me until I cover one of her hands with my own.

"We will figure it out." She looks at me in a slightly desperate way before smiling back at me and clasping my hand between both of hers.

"I know we will. It just worries is all."

"I know it does. Come with me." I pick myself up from the seat and pull her over to the couch set up in our new living room. As I sit down she places herself next to me and my arm goes around her shoulders. She lets her head fall down onto my chest as she continues to stare at the floor in the same way she stared at the bills. "Nora?"

"Hmmm?" I never give her any kind of statement or response and she never seems to search for one from me either. We just sit there for who knows how long until she finally decides to break our unspoken truce, "Clay?"

"Yes?" She barely moves while she seems to be trying to contemplate the perfect words and I never interrupt her contemplation.

"I'm pregnant." The words barely register at first, but in a second I move us both so that I can look her in the eyes. There was no sign of any emotion except for the same worrisome gaze that I found when I first entered the house. I throw my arms around her as I take my turn to find the perfect words for the moment. I try my hardest, but nothing seems to escape for minutes until I find the best three words I can think of.

"I love you." I kiss her cheek before moving my lips over to hers and kissing her with everything I have to try and change the look found in her eyes. When I move away to look her in the eyes again, I see that the worry is gone and a small smile can be found on her face.

"I love you, too."

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Riley's face smiles calmly as the breaths escape from her mouth in a slow rhythm. Her golden curls lie around her messily and remind me so much of her mother's. She is almost a spitting image of her and I try my hardest to hide everything that I am thinking as I kiss her cheek and start to try and wake her. The green eyes that open to look at me are groggy and far away, but they still recognize me none-the-less.

"Daddy?" I pick her up from the bed and try to wake her from her sleep filled trance.

"Morning, princess. You need to wake up. Come on." I mess with her hair a little and she finally wakes up enough to stand on her own. "What do you want to wear today?" After I get no answer, I try to continue as Riley rubs her eyes. "Do not rub your eyes, princess. How about the dress your mom bought you? How about that?" There is a small nod before the little eyes look up at me to ask the question I dread every single day I wake up recently.

"Where mommy?" I reach into the closet and grab the gray and black dress that Nora had bought for her a few weeks ago. I then grab the gray sweater to go with it and a pair of black boots that Riley grew attached to in the store.

"I am sorry, Princess, but I cannot tell you anything different from yesterday or the day before. I am sorry." Her innocent look disappears as she starts to cry like she's done every morning since I first told her. "I am sorry."

"No. No." She continues to cry as I hold her against me. A small tear falls down my cheek as I listen to the child in my arms, but stop the rest before they make things worse.

"Come on. Let's get you dressed. Okay?" She looks up at me and starts to get herself dressed with a little of my help. She has pretty much figured out how to dress herself, but she still needs some help every now and then. I place a ribbon under her golden hair and tie it in a bow on top of her head to keep the hair out of her eyes. She just looks at me before I pick her up and walk her over to the waiting crowd in our living room. "I love you, princess."

"I wuv you, too, daddy."

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"Just stop! Stop!" I lean against the fridge to try and calm my racing, exhausted mind as I attempt to heed her orders. We both just sit in silence and attempt to find words that won't cut as deep, but neither of us seems to be finding any because both of us continue to say nothing. I just watch as she pushes herself off of the counter she was leaning against and races out of the door. After I hear the front door slam, I push myself off of the fridge and race after her. She never stops, but she does slow down enough, so that I can grab her arm. I manage to stop her and throw her into my arms. She shakes slightly as I just continue to hold her and stare up at the stars above us. Why does all of this have to happen on such a perfect night?

"I am sorry." I kiss her temple before hugging her tighter, "I am sorry." She hugs me back and we end up standing outside for what feels like centuries.

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Neither Nora nor I were very religious, but I found myself in front of some old church as I watch people walk into it rather slowly and I keep Riley in my arms as I watch. Riley never spoke and I found it comforting because I did not feel like doing so either. We just stand there and watch as others attempt to offer consolations and flowers, but they usually ended up leaving us alone because of our lack of words to say back to them. Finally, I carry her through the doors of the church to find everyone seated in each row with their eyes showing the emotions each one was feeling. I see hurt and pain in some and love and loss in others; other people seem tired, bored, and happy, but I just ignore everyone as I make my way over to the spot in the front of the church reserved for Riley and I. There was nothing more that I wanted than to sit in the back and pretend that I was just another person. I want to be the bored person that came because they were dragged along and they really do not know the person lying up front all that well. I want to be the priest who just walks in and then leaves with no lingering feelings of loss and hurt because he doesn't even know any of the people sitting in his church. It is impossible for me to be these people, however, because I am the one in the front row, the family. I am the one that has to wake up every morning with the thought of her in my mind; I am the one who has to explain to my child every morning exactly what happened to her mother and try to not die as I listen to the sobs escaping her lips. I am the one in pain. The priest begins to speak to everyone and I just follow along with every action I am told to do and every song I am told to sing. I just stare at the ring on my finger and hold the child leaning against me trying her hardest to be strong and grown up. Eventually, I realize that it is my turn to go up and say something. I sit for a little longer before I get the strength to get up and go on. Riley follows and I never stop her as she clutches onto my leg while I just stand there and look over everyone present.

"Nora…she is more than a mother and a wife; she is my life, my rock, my best friend…the last thing she would want is to see us just sitting here crying for her. Whenever I tried to do something for her or cry for her, she would just say, 'Don't be an idiot. Get over it. I am.' She would just smile and continue on as if she was completely fine……"

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I fly through the halls until I reach the doctor who had called me almost moments earlier. His face is calm as I try to catch my breath and listens to the words he tries to get across to me. Almost none of them manage to enter into my brain as I just continue to wonder just what happened to my wife. "Can you just tell me what happened and how she is in simple words that a freaked out, worried mind can understand!? Please."

"I am sorry, sir. Your wife, Nora Shoens, was brought in after she sustained heavy trauma and injury from a car crash. Her car collided head on with another car that had entered the one way street she was on, so she had no way of avoiding the collision. She was taken into surgery, but…we couldn't stop the bleeding." I try to comprehend everything he is attempting to tell me, but the last words just cause me to stop.

"What you're trying to say is…"

"I am very sorry sir, but your wife passed away just moments ago. I am very sorry for your loss." The doctor continues to stand there as my mind and heart jump around endlessly.

"But…oh god…" I turn away and try to calm myself down, but nothing works. The tears just come on their own with no hope of stopping them and I start to realize that I do not want them to stop. My back falls against the wall and I just stand there and cry as much as I can because that is all I can do now. There is nothing else I can do for her now. "…I love you…" I whisper it to myself as if I'm speaking to a ghost and the doctor leaves after lightly touching my shoulder. "…I love you…"

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I stand and stare at the grave in front of me, and ignore the workers cleaning up their digging tools around me and the little girl attached to me. I read the words written on the grave over and over again 'Nora Shoen. Born July 10, 1981. Died October 8, 2012.' The words never seemed to change the more I read them and no time reversed the more the time passed. I just stand there as the wind blows my hair and the golden curls near my hand in every direction. I eventually look away from the stone and down at the girl holding onto me. "Are you hungry?"

"nnnn nnnn." She shakes her head with the words before I lift her off of the ground and hold her for a little while.

"Let's go home, princess." I take one last look at the grave before giving in.

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I watch her as she walks away from the restaurant with her golden hair swaying behind her. Watching her walk away shot small daggers into my heart and the further she walked, the worse it got. "Hey, Nora!" She spins around as I try to figure out what I wanted to say to her. "Can I have your number?" She smiles before walking back over to me.

"I just can't seem to get rid of you." The smile stays as she places her hand out for my phone, which I dig out of my pocket and place on the waiting hand. I watch her as she types in the number and find myself smiling more than I had ever smiled in my life. When she hands it back, she smiles back at me before backing away slowly. "Remember, you still owe me that drink."

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"I love you and I never did get you that drink, did I?" I speak quietly before walking off with Riley in my hands. I put a small kiss on her temples and speak to her this time instead, "I love you."